I have been writing this post in my head for the past few days and here I am, finally alone with a computer, so I'll attempt to get it out of my head and onto this blog.
I don't know if any of you have ever been in a situation where you have found yourself asking the age old question, "Why me?", but I am going to be completely honest and admit that I have asked myself ,or God, this very question many times in my life.
Why am I the one in my family who carries this gene that caused Emma to be sick?
Why can't I have more children while people who don't want a child find themselves pregnant?
Why did my daughter have to die?
Why can't I stay in one place like other people?
These are just a few examples of my "Why me?" moments. There are many more, I know.
Lately, though, I have come to the realization that I should be saying "Why not me?". The world we live in is not fair. It is broken. Everyone has their situations that cause pain and conflict. It does seem that some people suffer more than their fair share. But, as I said, the world is not fair. Life is not just. If we could make the world a fair place, would we really want to?
If life was fair, would I have all of the good things I enjoy? Would I have a husband who loves me? Would I have three beautiful daughters? Would I have so many wonderful friends who support me? Would I have a safe, warm place to live? I don't know, but I'm afraid the answer might be no. You see, I don't deserve any of those good things. If life were fair, I would be losing out on alot.
I don't believe I deserve some of the bad things that have happened in my life. I certainly don't believe my daughter deserved to suffer so much. But if I got what I truly deserved, what would my life look like? I don't think I really want to know. I'm so glad the world isn't fair. I'm glad we don't get what we deserve. I'm glad there is grace, undeserved favor, given out by a loving God.
I have a friend whose three boys are all sick, two of them have lived past their life expectancy already. We were talking over lunch about how people ask her how she handles it and she said, "I don't have a choice. I just do it.". She knows that life isn't fair. She accepts that. She also knows that she has many undeserved blessings and she enjoys them.
I am learning that life isn't fair and when those things that I don't deserve, good or bad, come my way I have to say, "Why not me?", and just keep going. I know that in the end there will be justice. God will overcome this unfair world and I will win an eternal reward that I definitely don't deserve but is mine through God's grace. When that day comes I will be thinking, "Why me, God?" and I can picture Him holding out His arms to welcome me home and saying, "Why not you?"